In the last eight to ten years I have come to terms with this whole thing a lot better then most. It was incredibly hard for me to grasp at first. When I was a child I always got a strange, almost sinister enjoyment out of another person’s pain when I inflicted it upon them and sometimes even when I didn’t. I don’t really know where these feelings come from or why they can be so sexually overwhelming at times, but over the last couple of years I have slowly begun to learn from them. I think for the most part that when you’re young, you’re told never to laugh at others when they fall and get hurt, never to hurt others intentionally or to call them names with the intent of hurting their feelings and I think that because of that; maybe taboo is just that much more sexy. Like smoking pot cause it’s illegal…
At 17, I lost my virginity and realized what I was beginning to merely fathom was in fact very real and true. Sex while extremely invigorating and powerful on its own felt simple and almost boring when two people simply made love. I think the only reason I began to search out BDSM both in life and on the net was because of all of its incredible experimentation. For an example; look at Doggy-Style. It is and has always been my favorite position. Even before actually performing it, I knew there would never be anything better for me. Doggy by itself however becomes boring and almost not fun in my eyes. Until you make it rough and almost savage in its design. Pulling my partners hair, holding her hands together behind her back and jamming her face down into the bed as I thrust deeper into her. Her screams of enjoyment push mine and I enjoy not only the sheer empowerment it entitles me, but also the incredible primitive savageness that goes along with it. I have also realized a lot of it comes from the fact that I find that degrading my partner sexually is a huge turn on and that Doggy in a rough sex form can be very degrading as I am refusing to look her in her eyes while I simply use her for my own enjoyment.
The day that I realized this was an incredible day for me. It was one of those life changing experiences that everyone always personally quotes themselves as never forgetting. It must have been life changing as I remember it amazingly well to this day. My girlfriend at the time and I had just finished a very rough and messy sexual romp together and were now laying on our backs, dazedly chatting about our high points and our lows when she asked me out of the blue.
“Do you ever want to just be slapped while we’re having sex?”
I was completely taken aback by this question. I didn’t like pain in anyway, and the thought of being slapped while concentrating on not cumming was a little too much for my brain to handle at the time. That being said I knew I had always gotten a weird feeling of almost sick enjoyment out of giving others pain. We talked more about it over several days after. A few days later I found myself in the same spot as last time, though this time having actually broken the man oath and spoken to my partner after sex. I found myself a little more daring than usual, especially knowing that she was turned on by the whole thing.
I started with simple reach around, twisting and tugging her nipples. Harder & harder till she was moaning so loudly I had to shut her up by, jamming her bra in her mouth. (I was still living with my parents after all). Then I slowly started pulling her hair very hard while open handily slapping her ass till it had red hand outlines on it. The harder I hit her, the more she loved it and the harder I got. That was the first time ever that a girl went into orgasm, came and then fell asleep while I was still fucking her. I was left there, my dick still hard inside of her thinking (normally this works the other way around) I now know of it as what people call (sub-space or Zoning-Out), but at the time I actually thought that I had killed her. She was breathing, but that was about it. She was as useless as a bag of rocks, even her pussy seemed to have fallen asleep as it went from tight & fun to just plain wet & wild at the same speed and I was left to finish myself off alone.
Since her (My first girlfriend) I have found that a lot of the women that I have come across for the most part have these Masochistic tendencies. There have been some that don’t, but for the most part I have found it fairly common for me anyway.
When I got older and got my own place I naturally stepped up in life, I went from simply wanting a submissive girlfriend to play with to wanting a full blown live-in female sex slave/servant that I could enjoy whenever I wanted. Now I know to some this sounds simply disgraceful, but I feel it’s just a natural progression in the lifestyle. I have read everything about the BDSM lifestyle that I could find. Books, magazines and internet articles kept my mind flowing with ideas on what lifestyle would be best for me and slowly I built an image in my head of what I expected it to really be as I looked for a good candidate.
I will say I find it incredibly funny and almost a little ironic that it’s actually easier to find a woman willing to be a sexual slave to you then a girlfriend that will willingly tell you through open conversation that they’re a Masochist.
Cut forward to now for now as I will write more of the past later, I have had and enjoyed three slaves and loved one over the last few years as well as multiple sub girlfriends. I am currently as of today single, under 30 and own my own house and if I am honest; feeling at times like the most lonely man alive.
I have several women that I am speaking to as potential candidates for my next endeavor, but to be perfectly honest. I feel almost nothing for any of them. You can really kind of tell when talking to someone whether you feel anything for that person and I just don’t get that felling with any of them. Maybe it’s just me, but I need to feel something for a person to want to stay with them longer than a year and the women I have chatted with simply don’t have that quality so far.
So what did I learn from this whole experience you might ask. Well I am a Sadist that is for certain, but I have also come to realize its not simply that hurting people is fun. Although I find that seeing people get hurt can be funny if they do it to themselves. It's simply more of a sexual practice type thing for me. So I am left wondering what I really am after it's all said and done. Am I just a man with a taste for the excessive or is there something more there, something far more primal and sadistic.
Time will tell, I guess…
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